untitled ★

untitled

I honestly cannot wait until the day I graduate so I can leave this wretched town. I’m of tired of people verbally abusing me because I have dreams, goals, ambitions, and actually want to do something with my life. I never really took the bullying/teen depression epidemic seriously. I’ve always felt that people should have thicker skin. You’re alive and healthy. That’s reason to be thankful, right? But now that’s it’s actually happening to me, I can’t away run from it no matter how hard I try. I can’t shake the feeling that I’m don’t matter and it seems like I’m always doing something wrong. It’s getting harder and harder everyday to interact with other people, smile, and act like’s nothing wrong. Drowning the world out doesn’t work anymore. Listening to uplifting songs and reading inspirational messages doesn’t work anymore. I’m happy for a day or two and then something happens and I’m stuck in emotional rut again. I’ve never really had a problem with going to school, now I absolutely dread it. It seriously pains me seeing my peers goof off with their friends while I’m stuck sitting on the sidelines or walking away? I don’t want to lose my identity to fit it. I have standards and morals. But, why don’t people like me? Why am I encouraged to voice my opinion and stick up for beliefs, but am shunned for it if I do? Why is that when I try to offer some comfort and sympathy to those who are clearly asking for it when they constantly talk about how much their life sucks, my kindness is mistaken for weakness and I’m scolded for inferring? Yet, when I’m not there for someone and/or choose to stay out of drama, I’m considered heartless and don’t care? I’ve struggling to keep a smile on face, but do you care? Do you even bother to help a sista, someone who’s supposed to be your friend, out? No, because I’m not cool enough for you anymore. I don’t have enough swag. I’m not a “bad bitch”. I don’t talk at the lunch table anymore for a reason, YOU and your posse have shunned me into silence. I’m the one that stayed on the phone with you for hours, helping you deal with your petty problems when no one else would and yet you have the fucking nerve to treat me like I’m inferior. Thanks a lot.

I don’t have everything. No one knows what I have put up with at home. Between a mother that’s giving up on herself and has gotten ridiculously lazy, I’m the one doing all of the cooking. Granted, I don’t mind doing it every once in a while but it’s becoming more frequent. As someone who is home all day and has plenty of time to sleep, instead ordering me around to “clean this” and “clean that” or “get me a cup of juice”, this is going to sound a little harsh, but why not get up off your ass and do it your self? You’re an adult. You’re a grown woman. I should not have to make sure you eat something or remind you to do the simplest of things, like WTF? Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Stop telling people in the streets that I’m getting grown and have a bad attitude. I’m busting my butt trying make to things easier for you, yet you think you have to carry a burden by yourself. On top of that, because of you’re constant nitpicking, complaining, and over exaggerating, Dad is fed up and I have to listen to him have drone on and on about you and how you don’t appreciate all of his hard-work. I feel bad for both of you, to be honest. It’s obvious you don’t love each other and should have gotten a divorce years ago.  You’re trying to hold on for the sake of me, when in reality, you’re making it worse.

I have a bad time at school only to come home and deal with more drama. I’m a child, it’s shouldn’t be my job to make things right for ANYONE.

I wish I could one of that girls that believed in fairytales but I’m not. I honestly don’t believe I’ll ever find my Prince Charming. I mean, I don’t really believe in marriage or having kids, but damn it, I want that special someone that’s going make me believe in it. Is there really someone out there that’s going to love me for me? Take me as I am, flaws and all? I want to be able to have good, clean, fun with people and not worry about a fight popping off. I don’t want to be afraid to make a fool out of myself anymore. I want to be able to have a decent conversation with someone and not worry about being judged. I want be proud of myself, I want to love my body, but that’s easier said than done. How much longer do I have to put up with crap before I’m legitimately happy with who I am and where I’m at in life?

letting it all out.

Lately, I’ve been feeling insecure about myself all the time. I don’t know when all of this started or how.

It’s gotten worse ever since my brother came down to visit for a few weeks but I’m not blaming him because I know it isn’t his fault.

He’s the only person in my immediate family that went to college, graduated, and I guess you could say, made something out of himself. He said I was the main thing that kept him going. He’s can’t wait to see how I turn out when I grow up and that he wants to be me able to explore the world and do I what I love. But the only that’s going to happen if I focus.

The thing is, I’m not sure what I want. I’m not sure I can do that. I’m just a 14 year old girl. I don’t even who I am yet. I want to fit, yet at the same thing, I want to be my own person. I want to succeed, but it’s just so hard. Everyone expects so much of, my friends, my parents, my teachers.

I don’t feel comfortable in my own home. I’m afraid if I slip up and say the wrong, thing I’ll get into a fight with my mom and dad. They’re the type of people that have a hard admitting their wrong, especially my mom, she always makes me feel guilty.

I’ve always been encouraged to speak my mind, to have in no shame in admitting you need help, but how can I when every-time I try, someone finds a problem with?

People always tell me that I’m smart and that the other kids could learn something for me, that I’m a leader, but is that the only thing I have to offer?

I’m short for my age, I can’t help it. Both of my parents are. Everyone in my family tells me to embrace and be proud of it but I can’t when I’m always being put down because of it. 

“You can’t do this.” “You can’t do that”.

I don’t think I can even consider the people I call my “friends”, my friends anymore. When it’s time to hang out with the cool, I’m left alone being awkward.

Is it because I’m the nice one? I’m tired of people using me just to get out of my trouble. I don’t want to be that person but I’m don’t want everyone to think of me as a loser either.

I see other girls with boyfriends, with those cute text messages and Facebook statues and I’m just like “what do they have that I don’t?” Not all of them of sluts, either.

I’m know I’m young and shouldn’t be worrying about things like that, but I can’t help it. I want to feel pretty too. I want to be the person everyone wants to hang out with. The one that gets all of the attention.

I thought that with my brother away doing his own thing, I would finally get my chance to shine. I’m still stuck in his shadow.

He’s one of those people that’s good at everything, in a way.

 I don’t like math. It’s confusing and makes me feel like I’m stupid. I’ve had teachers said “How can you get this? It’s so easy.”

When I finally did well, the first thing out her mouth was “Now that’s something Chris would do”.

He didn’t take the test. He didn’t sit in a front of a computer for hours working out problems. He didn’t get yelled by other students for taking so long. It was me, yet I got no recognition.

That’s what hurts the most. Even when I do well, no one does anything. It seems like the only I get attention is when I do something wrong.

When I’m wrong, no one forgets. When I’m right, no one cares.

I’m not good at sports. I can’t draw. The only thing I have is my brains. I used to think could sing but after letting my nerves get the best of me and embarrassing myself and front of almost the whole school, I can’t do that either.

I just want to be known for something, besides my long hair, my brother, or being smart because to be honest, I’m not even that bright.

I wish I could go back to my younger years when everything was easy. When my parents had no problem with me sitting on my ass all day and eating. If they really knew me, they’d know I’m always on the internet for a reason, to get away from it all. I miss when people had no choice but to be your friend. I wish I didn’t live in some small town with nothing to do, surrounded by a bunch of people with no morals or goals.

Why does growing up have to be so hard? Why do people have to change? Why can’t we respect each others’ differences?

I’m tired of being chewed out for listening to Justin Bieber (it sucks having to defend someone I’ve never even met and myself), All Time Low,  and the like, or “white people music” whatever that’s supposed to be (where I live if you don’t praise the ground Lil Wayne, Travis Porter, or Gucci Mane walks on there’s a problem) . I’m tired of my parents yelling at me do something besides listen to music. I’m tired of being the voice of reason, or being there for everyone else. Where’s my shoulder to cry on? I need help, too.

If I could tell my mom to freaking out over everything, I would, but apparently I’m always so mean to her. This is not the 1950s, children aren’t nice to their parents all of the time.

If could tell my dad to man up and stop blaming everyone else for his problems, I would, but that’s being unappreciative. He is a hard working man, you know. (That’s sarcasm, by the way).

I’m afraid of the future. I don’t what expect or how I’m going to get there, but I know what want to be when I grow up and that’s happy. Forget finding a cure for cancer, forget being married with children, I just want to be happy.

And not, fake-a-smile-happy, not cry-yourself-to-sleep-every night-happy, not-lay- awake-creating-scenarios-in-your-head-that-will-never-happen-happy-because-your-real life-sucks happy.

Genuinely happy. I can’t even describe what that feels like.